i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
