woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
