Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
