Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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