you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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