So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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