Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize