call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
We're too hungover to prance.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
