So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
