Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
