PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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