I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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