I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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