I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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