she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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