You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i out mim tonsoeep
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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