I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
