Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
