I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
