watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my sisters under your porch take her home
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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