I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
