All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
