Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
