It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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