She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
