Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
