After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
