You really coming over, don't trick.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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