I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
my nose is crying tears of wow.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
