yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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