my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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