I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
