u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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