I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
