Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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