I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
