People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
