shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
