some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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