I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Randomize