Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
