i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I think my moral compass just broke
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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