He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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