you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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