Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
