woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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