i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize