I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
