True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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