It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
