There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
