he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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