new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
areolas are like halos for boobs.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
