that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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