i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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