just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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