I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
