The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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