No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
