This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
