She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
